We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
