My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
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