On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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