During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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