i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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