The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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