the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
