my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
