I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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