I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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