I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
