Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
