Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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