I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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