once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
