last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
