Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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