New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
