I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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