I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
