You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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