Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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