if you like me you must not know who I am
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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