dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
