UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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