Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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