I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize