we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
