If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
