i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize