Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
