god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Buhtt sex?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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