Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
