Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
