I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
