I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize