Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
