oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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