Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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