Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize