Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
