Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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