i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
