our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
