Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize