I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
