I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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