I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize