I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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