I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
