Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
