I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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