just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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