I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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