My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
