the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
