3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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