if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
What a dumb baby whore.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize