I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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