walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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