bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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